Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Failing

As you probably guessed, I haven't been blogging much lately. In fact, I think this is something like my second post since March, so it's fair to say I've not been blogging at all.

Things have been tough. If you've read my previous post then you can probably understand why. Every day is a daily struggle to keep going and keep life moving forward. Especially when all I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry. Unfortunately, the bills don't pay themselves so I have been back at work for the past fortnight.

It's helping me keep distracted. It gives me something to focus on and something to talk about when I get home. Rather than sitting on the sofa staring mindlessly at the TV, it's given me a sort of purpose. Whilst selling holidays isn't the most important thing in life, it helps to focus on someone else for a while.

Princess is also the best cure for unhappiness I've ever known. She knows how to push my buttons, and does so on many occasions as with any 3 year old. But there are moments that make my heart swell so dramatically, that there is no pain any more. She is my world, and I would do anything to make her happy. I needed to get myself back on track so she didn't lose her Mummy in the process of me losing myself.

I've been discharged from the hospital and told that whenever I may fall pregnant next, I will have early scans to make sure the pregnancy is developing properly. I still don't know why I miscarried and I don't think I'll ever know, but I'll never forget my baby. It's not something you just get over and move on from, it stays with you. Every morning it's the first thing you think about and the last before you fall to sleep.

I'm lucky to have such an amazing support system around me. Family and friends who have helped me come to terms with everything and who have been there to help me back on my feet. Even all of you lovely social media lot, all of your kind words meant so much.

I am failing at a lot of things lately. I'm failing at keeping my house running, failing to notice small details. I'm most definitely failing at blogging and social media. Ross has encouraged me to start blogging again, because he knows how much I enjoy it and how therapeutic it is for me. I won't promise to blog more because that's just like the boy crying wolf, but I've already made an effort with the social media side. My tweets have been less than positive, but they are real and they are me. I'm not looking for attention or asking for sympathy, but I feel that if people don't like what I write, then the simple answer is to not read it. It really is as easy as that. I won't apologise for being devastated or for being honest about it. So if you're looking for a bit of sweary honesty, you know where the twitter sign is ;)

I have a couple of reviews coming up. One that has been put on hold since March, but the very lovely lady in question is totally supportive. I also have one I'm very happy about and hopefully one that can help me kickstart my weight loss in to a healthy habit instead of the one I'm currently treading - which is anything but healthy by the way.

So that is all from me. I don't know how many readers I still have left, probably not many, but my blog is mine and I will always love it. If I do start to write more and get back in to the flow of things again, then that's a start, but if not, I won't worry too much. 

5 comments:

Genna Millar said...

You are not 'Failing', you are surviving. That is a completely different set of affairs. Surviving takes a lot of strength and determination. Be kind to yourself. The days will get brighter. Much love. xxx

Misty B said...

Thanks so much Genna xx

Jess McGlynn said...

Oh love, I know the words don't make it any easier but you have experienced something truly heartbreaking and that is going to take time to be 'ok' again...I don't think it ever leaves you, but it's absolutely not failing to be not instantly back on form. Be kind to yourself and don't ever think you have to apologise for your feelings xx

Louise Fairweather said...

Been thinking of you xx

25castleson25clouds said...

I am so sorry for your loss (I'm working my way backwards catching up so I haven't seen previous posts yet!)

Not for one second should you think you are falling, I assure you you are not. You will be doing better than you imagine and we will be here waiting when and if you want to come back! Sending hugs x