Saturday, 1 March 2014

Parental Advisory: Toddler Rules of Life

1 - If I see it.. it is mine. If I smell it.. it is mine. If you have it.. it is mine.. you get the gist.

2 - Routine? What is THAT shit all about? I'll eat my damn dinner when I want to, thank you very much.

3 - If I say it happened.. it happened. I don't want any third degree. Stop asking me who, why, when or where. If I say a yellow dinosaur stole my blanket, it damn well happened, okay!?

4 - Swearing is for toddlers.. not for adults. Don't you dare look at me in mortification when I call you a bitch. You just are.

5 - Danger? What is THAT? Danger is my middle name Mum.. You see that road right over there? I will run into it whether you want me to or not..

6 - How DARE you tell me that I can't have ice cream at 10pm at night. Just WHO do you think YOU are?

7 - If I don't want to do a wee/poo on my potty, I just won't, OKAY? The floor/garden/mop bucket will do, ta.

8 -  Just so you are aware.. dreams are real life. So when I tell you that a tiger crept up on me in the night, you do not laugh or pat my head, you hunt that motherfucker down.

9 - It doesn't matter how many times you think you have cracked the bedtime routine. I am here to remind you that you will never sleep again.. ever.

10 - Just remember Mum, I run things around here. What I say goes. So get me some ice-cream, sit down and pipe down, BITCH.

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