Monday, 27 January 2014

holy crap.. I'm an adult!

At the grand old age of 24, I am classed as an adult.

I have been paying adult price in the cinema since 12. Adult price on public transport and on holidays. But I don't much feel like an adult.

Ever have those waves of astonishment when you realize.. holy shit, I'm grown up.

I have these moments of incredulous clarity most days. I will sit at my work desk and it will suddenly hit me.. I am a breadwinner. In my home, MY home, I am the main earner. If I didn't work, what would my family do? What would I do?

In reality, I barely look 16, never mind 24. I get I'D'd every time I buy wine, same goes for paracetamol. I once got asked for I'D buying leather cleaner. Most of the time, I'm not even taken seriously in my job, because I don't look old enough to be doing it.

But despite this.. despite my premature looks and my absolute immature humour.. I am a grown up.

My family relies on me. Then the realisation hits.. I have a family. I have a boyfriend. We have a child. I have a house to run.

Most days I still feel like a child. I still want my Mum, I still want her security and a lot less of the responsibility. I think that's what scares me.

Responsibility. I'm not just responsible for myself anymore and my main concern isn't about where my next pair of shoes will come from. My main worry is about what will we have for tea? Will my wages cover the bills this month? What happens if they can't? What will my family do then? Because ultimately if I let my family down, I have let myself down.

Some days I don't feel mature enough to handle the responsibility.

I still feel like a small child in a very large world. At what age did I separate myself from a child to an adult?

Don't get me wrong, I am appreciative of the life I have. It is by far from ideal, but I am proud of it. Sometimes, I turn to my family for help. Sometimes I admit defeat.

Sometimes, just sometimes.. I figure it out for myself.

But I know that I have a life worth living for.

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