Friday, 22 November 2013

How NOT To Piss Off A Toddler

I'm not even sure if at the age of 3, Princess even counts as a toddler any more. She's so independent and sometimes she talks as if she's 53 instead of 3. Either way, during my time as a parent to this seemingly little angel, I have picked up some ticks, trips and handy hints as to how not to piss her off. It's hard.. but it works.

ONE - When they ask you for something, whether that be a biscuit or to be picked up, you need to do it right that second. If you wait any longer than 5 seconds, they will have changed their mind and be disgusted that you are even offering them what they originally asked for and demand something else. If you fail to comply right away, make sure you ask them again what they want otherwise it'll most probably end in a fit of rage.

TWO - Under no circumstances, pierce their carton of juice/milk for them. They like to do it themselves. If you pierce the straw in to their drink and offer it them, you may as well have just slapped them round the face. The drink is rendered un-drinkable and you will have just wasted your time and money.

THREE - Do not change the TV channel over when you think they're not watching. Even if they're in the next room, upstairs or outside, they WILL notice and they WILL make you regret it. Adult TV time is strictly for when toddlers are in bed. Asleep. For at least 2 hours.

FOUR - There is absolutely no point in trying to mix medicine in to juice. They can sniff it out like a police dog and will ultimately refuse to drink it.. or pour it all over the furniture. The trust is gone.

FIVE - Do not tidy their toys away whilst they are on the floor. They will scream and be adamant they were playing with every single item that was thrown about. Tidying it away will only result in a toddler style tornado hitting your house causing destruction beyond your wildest imagination.

SIX - If they say they've finished their food. They've finished. Calmly take it away and leave it on the side in case they change their mind again 5 seconds later. If you try and force them to eat you will more than likely end with spaghetti in your face, potato up your walls and a nice tomato sauce stain in your carpet. It's just not worth it.

SEVEN - Never argue with a toddler. They are always right. Even when they're not right.. they are. There is no point trying to reason, justify or explain to a toddler - they just don't care. Any sort of comment trying to explain why your darling toddler was wrong for throwing the cat down the stairs, will only make them angry.


So there you have it.

If you ever face these situations with your angelic little one, don't forget the rules. They'll save your life. Maybe.

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