Thursday, 5 December 2013

The Brightest Star In The Sky

Dear Jayne,

It was nearly 5 years ago that I met you. It was a warm Summers day and you were having a barbecue in the back garden. I walked up to you reproachfully, not sure what to expect.. I was only 19 years old. You scared the absolute life out of me.

You were my boyfriends Mother. Ross's Mum. You were the soul most important being in his livelihoood, and he wanted me to meet you. That thought terrified me. Despite only looking 15 and most of my friends parents believing me to be the bad influence on them, I was worried at what you might make of me. Ross and I had been friends from the age of 13.. so already 6 years I had known him. I cared so much for him yet I was so scared to meet you and Gary.

I needn't have been scared. You welcomed me with open arms. We shared love of random Facebook games and would message each other quite regularly. I will never, ever, remember the moment Ross told me that you approved of me. He had said that you liked me so much and it was a refreshing change. I was someone he could build a future with.

Over the years, we grew much closer. We would visit you on weekends, you would come down to our house and visit us. I'd even catch the bus over to the other side of Nottingham to visit you with Princess when Ross was working. I'd sit and watch you iron whilst we would chat.

You worked so hard for everything you had. Look at all that weight you lost! I will always remember our weekly trips to Zumba and aerobics. Laughing at ourselves and the other seriously unfortunate. I can remember you saying you wanted to lose weight so you could live your life to the fullest. You wanted to get down on the floor and play with the Grandkids. You wanted to be able to pick them up and cuddle them and be involved in all that they do. And do you know what? You achieved it. A million times over. 

It absolutely kills me to write on my blog, that sadly you have passed away.

Actually, sadly doesn't even cover it.

When you were diagnosed with cancer on the 2nd September of this year - my Birthday to be exact - I don't think any of us really recognised how serious things were. I knew that your results were on my Birthday, I kept asking Ross if he had heard anything. You told everyone not to tell me, so my Birthday wouldn't be ruined. That's the kind of person you were. You cared more about me enjoying my Birthday than your own health. Even promising me a present as soon as you came out, as if that's what I was bothered about.

I remember being sat on the bed with you, crying, that we would do anything. We would support you through all of your decisions and that ultimately, your life was your own. I remember encouraging you to start chemotherapy - because if you didn't, you'd always wonder. Would it have worked?

Boy, did you suffer. I still feel guilty at being part of the reason you considered it. But do you know what Jayne? You broke UK history. Only one other person in the entire UK had suffered the way you did, slipped in to a coma.. but you came out of it. The only person, EVER. You fought it with all you had. You had a reason to live. Your Mum, Gary, Steven, Marie, your children and all of your Grandchildren. We all waited for you to come back fighting and you proved you could. It was an actual miracle.

Jayne, you are an inspiration. Just 10 short weeks after you were diagnosed.. cancer took your life. None of us will ever forget, or ever forgive this awful disease. But you have set the mark. You have proved that sometimes maybe you can be that 1%. Sometimes, when you think that all hope is lost.. maybe it isn't.

In my head, I have so many words to say to you. I want to sit across a table from you and tell you all the words I've been meaning to say but never had the chance to. I want to express to you exactly what you mean to me and how you've helped me become the woman I am today.

I want to say thank you for everything. Thank you for raising an amazing son. A son that I can share my life with and build a family of my own. Thank you for all of your words of encouragement, confidentiality and support, they will always mean more than you will ever, ever know.

I don't want to say goodbye Jayne. Not ever.

You wlll forver be a part of my life. A part of Scarlett's life. And most importantly, Ross's life.

He misses you so much.  Words can't even express the pain he is going through right now, along with Charlotte and Adam.

I know you're watching over us.

The brightest star in the sky, there is no doubt.

Love and miss you always, Jayne.

Your loving Daughter-In-Law,

Misty xxx

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