Monday, 30 September 2013

In Memory Of Blaize Salvador

Many of you who read this blog are parents. You carried your babies for a full 9 months and gave birth to beautiful, healthy babies. Maybe they're toddlers now, maybe even teenagers.

But for some people, this isn't the case. People like my friend Kara Salvador, who didn't get to carry her baby to full term. A woman who had to endure the worst heartache I could ever possibly imagine.

Kara has set up a Facebook page in memory of her beautiful baby boy, Blaize. In her own words, this is what she has to say:

Blaize was born the 25th May 2013, weighing 1lb 90z and was a 23 weeker.
He spent 10 days in NICU at St Peters, Chertsey, Surrey before he was transported to St George's, Tooting.

While he was there we found out that he had Chronic Lung Disease and Necrotising Enterocolitis, a life threatening bowel condition which affects mainly premature babies and he needed an operation on his bowel.

We had been given lots of decisions to make which was very hard for us but we wanted the best for our son.

Unfortunately on the 26th June 2013 he passed away in his mummy's arms after having caught an infection.

St George's NICU did everything they could for Blaize and us but he was too weak to fight the infection he caught.

This page is to raise as much as we can for the charity called First Touch. We can't thank them enough and we hope the money we raise will help the babies as much as Blaize.

I have known Kara for 3 years now and she is undoubtedly one of the strongest women I know. We met through the Bounty forums all those years ago when we were pregnant, along with many other ladies who were also due in October. Us ladies stay in touch daily on Facebook so when we heard the news of Blaize's passing, we were all devastated. It felt like we had lost one of our own. 

Despite facing the pain of losing her baby far too soon, Kara has set up a Just Giving page where you can donate money to the First Touch charity who help sick and premature babies at St Georges hospital. 

It would be amazing if you could spare just £1 to help this cause, and help Kara and her husband Andrew, say thank you to St Georges Hospital for all they did to help baby Blaize. 

Meanwhile, please pop on over to Kara's Facebook Page "First Touch in Memory of Blaize Salvador" and Like to keep up to date with the targets and how much money she has raised so far. 

Many of us will get to tuck our babies and children in to bed tonight. Please make sure you give them that extra kiss goodnight and don't for a second take them for granted. 

Blaize Salvador 
25/05/2013 - 26/06/2013 

Please visit Just Giving to donate even just a few pennies. Thank you. 

Friday, 27 September 2013


My blog isn't entirely anonymous so there's a good chance what I'm about to say may get repeated back to the person in question, but I'm not entirely bothered if it does.

You see, my Brothers ex-boyfriend (yes, he is gay) works at the hairdressers at the bottom of my road. I have had my hair cut by him many times in the past and he is utterly awesome. He is kind, generous, talented and completely lovely. It came as no surprise to me to know that many other people I know also have their hair cut by him. Including Ross's Aunty.. and my next door neighbour.

When I was walking back from the shops the other night, it was quite normal that he popped out to say hello to me and Princess. What did surprise me however, was the topic of conversation. After a quick squeeze, the conversation quickly went like this:

Him: I can't believe you didn't tell me!
Me: About what?
Him: Fancy having to find out from your next door neighbor!
Me: I'm confused? Which neighbor?
Him: "****" I can't believe you and Ross are trying for a baby and didn't tell me!

*Imagine a steam engine stopping in it's tracks if you will*

Me: But.. we're not?
Him: *confused face* but she was in here today telling me how you want another baby.
Me: We've talked about it in the future, but we're not trying.
Him: Oh.. *even more confused face*

Where did this even come from?

After a brief incident where Princess hit their child over the head with a spade, they've not even spoken to us. This had to have happened well over 2 months ago now, so I'm confused as to where she even got this information from.

Even more so, what gives her the right to go talking to my friends about me? As neighbours, we are polite. We have brief chats in the supermarket or at the front door, we smile, nod and sometimes our children even played together (until said incident above which they said they were fine with, but clearly not).

I saw her in ASDA today. I was so close to walking up to her and demanding why she had told my friend this quite frank lie about me. I didn't though, I don't like confrontation.. especially not at the self service check outs.

I am not friends with my next door neighbours. In fact, on my way out tonight to drop a distinctly stinky nappy in the bin, all I got was a nod. So why on earth does she think it's okay to go about talking about me? And how did the topic even arise in the first place. She was not aware that I knew him, and he was not aware that she was my neighbor, so why was I even mentioned? If she was a friend who knew I knew him, I could understand. Who doesn't love a good gossip? But for her to go blabbermouthing to her hairdresser about me, well thats insulting.

I can only imagine that she has caught the tail end of a conversation Ross and I have had out in the garden and just jumped to conclusions. However, she still had no right to tell someone something about me that isn't even true.


PS: My neighbours on the other side (who she said were old nosy-parkers) are actually really bloody fantastic. They quite often give my dogs treats, talk to me over the fence and give Princess ice-cream. I don't see that coming from the other side.

Thursday, 26 September 2013


I have umm'ed and ahh'ed about writing this post since last night. It's not a post I particularly want to write, and on some level I'm not even sure I wholeheartedly agree with writing it in the first place. However, I opened this blog for myself. I didn't imagine ever having a readership or a following. I didn't think I would have friends within the blogging community I could turn to in times of need or joy. In fact, I didn't know most of you existed until a year ago.

But this blog, my little slice of pink infused internet, is a place where I can write what I want. Whatever the backlash.

There have been a lot of topics over the past month that I have just kept my mouth shut over for fear of people disagreeing and being 'blogger blacklisted'. I usually find myself on the opposed side of most bloggers, agreeing with the stigma they're all angry at, or not seeing the point of being annoyed in the first place. Many posts have gone unpublished because of this, and I have decided no more.

This post is aimed at ASDA. You know, that giant supermarket chain we all love so much? Or at least people did until yesterday.

You see, ASDA released their Halloween costumes to the public allowing them to purchase for the upcoming event. Among these costumes was one entitled "Mental Patient".

The repercussions of this have been shocking. The folk of Twitter were up in arms about how disgraceful it was, distasteful, insulting, disgusting. You name it, it was said.

Call me naive, apathetic or uncaring.. but I don't understand.

The main people who had issues were those who had mental health issues themselves. Some who had previously spent time in a mental institution or were suffering from an illness relating to their mental well being. Don't get me wrong, I can understand why some people would have an issue with this, but it seems a little over reactive to me. 

No, people do not think of you as looking like a meat cleaver wielding psychopath.
No, people do not assume you wore a white coat covered in blood.
No, this is not what most mental patients look like.

But lets face it.. a crazy, murdering, meat cleaver wielding man is most likely going to end up in a mental hospital, is he not? And he has blood around his mouth so he's probably a cannibal too.. are you?

Suffering from mental illness myself, I am not unaware of the stigmas that surround the whole 'mental patient' idea, but when I think of a mental patient.. this is what I imagine. It is what is in the films, what is in books and what is in our imaginations. Realistically, this is a crazy person. A crazy, murdering person.. but crazy none the less. What else would you call it? Ever hear the story of the "crazed, escaped mental patient"? Yeah, me too.

The whole idea of the costume is meant to be scary, not to cause offense. Lets face it, someone dressing up like me isn't really going to cause much of a stir at the office Halloween party now is it? Me looking all forlorn and anxious isn't really the point. ASDA didn't release this costume because they believe that this is what everyone on anti-depressants, beta blockers and anti-axiety tablets look like.

The main issue here is the title of the costume. Remove the word "patient" and swap it with something such as "murderer" I don't see many people having an issue with it. The same way you see a costume of operating scrubs with blood spatter entitled "Mental Doctor". I don't really see many Doctors screwing at ASDA about the implications of the costume. The word patient implies that this is someone to feel sorry for, someone that needs treatment or is suffering. The costume implies otherwise.

I am not condoning what ASDA have done. I know that lots of people have been hurt and upset by the releasing of this costume and in no way am I telling them how to feel. But if this costume had been named something else, would anyone have even been bothered?

PPS: Feel free to disagree with what I have written - but please keep the nastiness to yourselves. I appreciate not everyone is going to agree with me - I have written this knowing that majority don't.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

An Ode To Wine

Where oh where, would I be without wine?
I just can't help it
It tastes so damn fine.

Where would I be without that beautiful pink drink?
The idea of it terrifies me
I really hate to think.

My feelings for wine, they run so deep, 
Without this miracle in a bottle,
I probably wouldn't sleep.

Where would I be without my Mummy juice?
It really is amazing,
A glass I can't bear to lose.

I feel so complete, with wine glass in hand,
I can't drink anything else,
It just tastes so bland.

Water, Coke, Pepsi or Gin,
They just don't hit the spot
Like my beautiful pink friend.

Whether it's with dinner, or a drink with the girls
Wine, I love you,
You really rock my world.

My love for you is oh so strong,
With you in my life,
I just can't go wrong. 

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Anxiety Is..

One moment everything seems fine, and then the next it's blind panic about whether you locked the front door or turned the TV off.

It's obsessively mopping the floors because you can see smear marks.

It's checking your phone every five minutes, just in case you missed a really important text message.

Waking up in the night with cold sweats convinced you have forgotten to do that really important thing, but you just can't remember what it could be.

Cleaning your house from top to bottom every single day, just to stop thinking for a while.

It's all consuming guilt over letting someone down, even when they assure you that you haven't.

Worrying endlessly about the small things, did I brush her teeth this morning? Has she had enough breakfast? Is she sleeping enough?

Wanting to say something but not quite having the courage to say it, no matter how much someone is hurting you.

Palpitations and shortness of breath when out on your own.

The chilling fear of illness, death and nothingness.

Guilt over a nappy rash.

It's watching the TV without actually taking any of it in.

Trying to be everything for everyone yet still feeling like a failure.

Feeling like you don't have enough time to do everything that needs doing.

It's when everything feels so unimportant, but you still can't stop thinking about it.

The ridiculous fear that at any moment, your heart is going to stop beating. 

Anxiety is love, hate, black, white and everything in between.

Anxiety is my life.

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Dear Princess

Dear Princess,

In one months time, you will turn 3.


I don't care how many times you tell me you will be 4, it won't make you any older.

I don't feel old enough to be the Mother of a near 3 year old. Hell, at times I don't feel old enough to be a Mother at all. But I am, and I couldn't wish for a more amazing daughter.

Now it is coming up to your 3rd birthday, I'm starting to get scared. Turning 3 comes with so many new milestones that I'm not sure I'm ready for. I know you are though. You are so advanced and clever and are ready for so many new things. It's me that's not.

I'm not ready for you to start nursery. Even though I work and I don't see you in the day, I'm scared to not be involved in that part of your life any more. You will be out there on your own, only for a few hours a day, but still.. I won't be there to protect you. I won't be there to help you with your numbers and I won't be there to kiss your poor-poor's when you fall down.

At 2 years old you are already your own person. I can't even call you a toddler because you are so independent and confident, you're already a little lady. You're cheeky and funny, kind and caring. I could go on all day with the adjectives, but I think we all know just how special you are.

It makes me sad that Daddy and I won't be the ones teaching you anymore. We leave that to the care of your teachers, whoever they may be when the day arrives. I know you can protect yourself. You are outspoken and stubborn, I know you will stand your ground. You don't take crap from anyone, even me and Daddy. Nobody can fool you.

I wish it would slow down sometimes. I wish I could sit and drink you in more than I already do. Sometimes I don't think it sinks in that I have helped to create such a wonderful human being. Does it ever?

Next month, you will turn 3.. and I can't wait.

I know they say that time flies when you're having fun.. well Princess, I'm having the time of my life.

A Small Update..

First of all, I would like to apologise for my lack of posting, on here and on Twitter. I've just not been up to it recently.

All of a sudden, a lot of things have come into perspective. My blog, social networking and everything else has become very insignificant in the light of things.

Last week, we received some horrible news. News that changed our lives and devastated those all around us. We still don't know the full extent of the situation yet, I'm not even sure I want to. But in order for me to be there for those I care for, I need to. The last person I'm thinking about right now, is myself.

I am so grateful to those around me that are understanding. I've had to have some time off work and swap my shifts around at the drop of a hat and everyone has done all they can to help me. Sometimes I take people for granted, especially those I work with. This past week has opened my eyes to how caring and selfless some people can be.

I won't go into detail about the situation, I want to protect the privacy of those involved. I don't mean to be cryptic either, but I realise I am. Maybe some day soon things will be back to normal and I can bring myself to care again. God knows I need my blog at times.

Thank you to those who have sent messages of concern. I am actually fine, it's not me any of this really concerns, but it has hit me big time. It has brought back memories and it has made me cry.

I am lucky to have the friends and family that I have.

Thank you for sticking with me.