Saturday, 16 February 2013

Did Peter Pan get it wrong?

I remember the very first time I watched Peter Pan. I was about 7 years old and I was at my Grandma's house. My cousin was staying for the weekend too and she had bought down some videos for us to watch. Along with Peter Pan, it was the first time I had ever watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Pocahontas.

Peter Pan was the one that stayed with me though. I remember coming home that Sunday night and writing a note to Peter Pan. I asked him to come and take me away with him to Neverland so I could read stories to the Lost Boys. I put it in my window and never told a soul. Needless to say, Peter Pan never took me to Neverland and I was devastated that it wasn't true. 


The only reason I wanted to go away to Neverland was because I didn't want things to change. I wanted my life the way it was and the people in it, to stay the same. I was happy.

We all know that Peter Pan was the boy who never grew up. Do I wish I had never grown up?

Sometimes.

If I was still that 7 year old girl, I would never have had to deal with heartache, grief, loss and depression. I wouldn't have had to deal with body issues and self doubt. I would never have had to deal with the devastation of losing my Gma, one of the most important people in my life .

Of course, not growing up doesn't mean the world stands still. Everything else around you still changes. Without growing up, you're just left with a whole different world and absolutely no knowledge on how to deal with it. There would be no experience or forewarning that something massive was about to change.

I hate bills. I hate money. Sometimes I even hate responsibility. I miss being carefree. I miss having worrying about what I'm going to take in for 'Show & Tell' be the biggest stress in my life. I miss other people taking the fall for me and sorting out what I'm having for dinner. I miss being a child.
I was going to say little, but let's be honest.. nothing has changed there.

I think what I miss the most is not having to deal with death. As it draws closer to my Grandma's birthday and hitting the 3 years since she's been gone mark, I always find myself reminiscing. She was a massive part of my life and missing her is an emotion I've become accustomed to. I won't lie, it's easier now. She doesn't fill every waking moment of my day, but she's always there. In a memory or in the way I recall something. Even the way I speak. (It's 'isn't it, not innit!')

If I were still young, what would be my memories? Would I hurt the same way I do now? Or would I forget?

I think I would rather remember.

 

It hurts, but now it hurts in a good way. I can look back and smile without feeling guilty. I can look at her picture without crying.

Dealing with loss is probably the worst part about growing up. Whether that's loss of a friendship or the death of a family member, either one is tough to deal with.

But Peter Pan lost Wendy. He had no parents. And he had no one to love, or be loved by.

Except maybe Tinkerbell. But let's face it.. she's a bitch.

Maybe Peter Pan got it wrong.


 "When there's a smile in your heart
There's no better time to start
Think of all the joy you'll find
When you leave the world behind
And bid your cares goodbye..
You can fly"

 

2 comments:

Amanda said...

Ohhhh Misty, you cow now you're going to make me cry.

Loss is shite, but you sound as though you are living with it incredibly well.

MrsClutz said...

I did a simular post yesterday. Death and growing up sucks :( but at the same time like you say if we didn't have those memories we wouldn't be who we are today. Hugs Xx