Pushchair, pram, stroller, buggy.. what do you call yours?
I tend to use all of them, even though I am aware they have different meanings. Does it matter? At the end of the day, the uses are exactly the same. Call me selfish, but this post is yet again about the benefits of Parenthood.
That's right ladies and gents, I have come up with the Top Ten Uses for your Pushchair/Pram yada yada yada. Sure it was difficult, I nearly gave up at 5, but I struggled along till 10 and I'm sure you will all agree.. they're very relevant.
Use Number ONE: Considering the sudden climate change (from average to diamond nipple iciness) the main use of your pushchair is for balance. Who needs ski poles when you have the sturdy handles of your stroller to steer you down the hill and into Tesco!? You don't even need to use your feet, just let the weight of your child guide you forward. They're sure to find it absolutely exhilarating too! Basically, it stops you looking like a twat by landing on your arse.
Use Number TWO: Your pushchair, pram, or whatever you own, is a glorified draft excluder. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, who during gale forced winds, has stood securely behind your pushchair, protecting yourself from the freezing gusts! Your legs stay warm enabling you to pursue some more skiing. WIN/WIN by my books.
Use Number THREE: When you've given up walking/sliding around the place and you decide to get on public transport, you're almost always guaranteed to get a seat just because you have a child in a pushchair. It's as if you give off a certain signal that warns people you've had ENOUGH and need to sit the fuck down. Please bear in mind that the only people who will not give up their seats are the elderly, because they feel that life owes them EVERYTHING.. and other Mothers. Damn you.
Use Number FOUR: Closely related, but not quite the same. Whilst you're storming down the high street, determined not be late for whatever it is you're usually late for, people will always move out of your way if you have a buggy. I'm not sure if it's the crazed face of the person behind the handles, or the fear of being mowed down by a hot pink 3 wheeler. Who knows? Either way, for the first time in your life, you can walk through a crowd in a straight line.
Use Number FIVE: People will hold doors open for you. This basically means that you never have to do anything for yourself again. People will hold doors open, chairs out, pack bags for you, the LOT. Embrace it while you can. In fact, scratch that. Once everyone else stops doing it for you, the likelihood is your child is out of the pushchair and can do it for you anyway.
Use Number SIX: Your trips never have to be cut short. Fancy having an extra glass of wine with lunch but your toddler is whinging that they're tired? Or strolling down the high street window shopping because like me, you're too skint to buy anything and your child complains of their feet hurting? No problem-o, just strap them in and away you go. No more excuses!
Please note: no matter how much you want to take their place, you can't.
Use Number SEVEN: Shopping basket and handlebars. NEED I SAY MORE? It's like having your very own entourage.. that you push around everywhere. It's the perfect excuse to buy more things. You know you can fit just one more bag on that handle before it tips.. go on.. just do it.
Use Number EIGHT: You know when you're really angry but you just can't get that frustration out? Well say no more. Let me introduce you to ankle ramming. This is the sport of accidentally on purpose, ramming/jarring people in the ankles and getting away with it. They can't get angry with you, you have a baby. HILARIOUS.
Use Number NINE: Welcome to the world of elevators. No more will you have to climb a billion stairs to get to the top of the supermarket. No more standing on the escalators feeling like you're on a sweaty, claustrophobic factory belt. You my friend are upgraded to the first class elevator suite! You choose whether you share it with anyone else, where you want to go and how long it takes you to get there. Absolute brilliance.
Use Number TEN: This one sort of cancels out number nine but is my favourite. The best use I find for your pushchair, is exercise! That's right my friends, use your buggy to your advantage! Get pushing up those hills and why not do a slalom round the lampposts? That's what they're ruddy well there for! Get fit without feeling like you're actually doing anything. A lot of us actually HAVE to push their child round in a stroller, there's no choice about it. So remember this: when you're huffing and puffing your way up that everest.. it's excellent for your calves!
So there you have it. My Top 10 uses for Pushchairs!