That got your attention didn't it? If you're here for a rant about the whole Child Benefit system, then you've come to the wrong place. I'm afraid I have brought you here under false pretenses, sneaky cow that I am. This isn't a post about Child Benefit as such.. it is a post about how our child (or children) benefit us.
As in, what are the benefits of having children?
The most important benefit of having a child is this:
You will always have a valid excuse to not do something. Don't want to go to that play date? Tell them the baby is napping. Don't fancy work today? Phone your boss and tell them your child is ill. They're even a good excuse to use to explain why you're late. Running late for the school run? Tell everyone that the baby puked up all your other kid and you've spent the last half an hour cleaning them up - not pressing Snooze on your alarm.
(Although in almost every single one of these instances, the kids usually are to blame!)
A benefit of having a toddler is honesty. You can trust a toddler to always tell you the truth. Princess's new phrase just happens to be "Mummys big tummy!" That bitch Peppa Pig has a lot to answer for. But thanks to her honesty, I now know that I need to lose a few pounds! After all, she has no reason to lie. Toddlers will also tell you if you look: "silly, stupid or ugly" so you have no reason to ever leave the house looking like a twat. That's gotta be a good thing, right?
You can also always trust a child to make you laugh. This one applies to all ages. Every single kid is funny. Whether that be by telling a joke, pulling a face or just simply speaking their mind, they're guaranteed to make you snort with laughter. Princess does this all the time, I'm convinced I raised a comedian (well, I am awesome!) Laughter is the best medicine after all, so surely that means we will never get ill? UH-MAY-ZING!
When you have a child, you now have a valid excuse to play with play dough or plasticine without being judged. Every week at toddler group, I can guarantee there are more parents in the craft section than children. The kids usually lose interest after they've smeared glue in their hair and eaten a tub of glitter so they run off, leaving us parents to continue playing in peace. It's the best. Do you know what's even better? You don't have to clean it up. WIN/WIN
Another benefit to having a child, is you can always get one over on a man.
Husband: "It's your turn to change a nappy darling.."
You: "But I pushed it out of my vag."
Problem solved. Giving birth means you can always hold it over your darling partners head whenever they want you to do something you don't want to. Brilliant, right?
One of my favourite benefits, is I've now developed eyes in my arse. I know what's going on All. Of. The. Time. You can't get shit past me without me knowing about it. Trying to sneak that last chocolate? I don't think so mate, that's mine. Pushing in front of me in the queue? Not a CHANCE.
To quote Ross from F.R.I.E.N.D.S, being a parent means you have "Unagi". Total awareness. Yep, that's it.
And my favourite benefit of all? Your child will love you no matter how much of a twat you are. It doesn't matter what mistakes you make with your child, they will always love you. Dropped them down the stairs? Don't sweat it. Embarass them in front of their friends? They'll shout, but they love you.
There is pretty much nothing you can do that can make your children fall out of love with you.
This means that as parents, we are all kinds of awesome, because our little people said so.
Parenting is tough, but with child benefits like this, who cares? It's all worth it in the end!