Do we ever really know when we're ready for change?
Even though I've had chance to prepare for my new job, it still seems to have come crashing down on me with such sheer force that I'm left terrified. In my mind I'm not sure that I'm ready for it.
The main reason: Princess.
I must seem like such an overbearing Mum to some people, but when you spend every single day with the same person for 2 years, leaving them seems such a huge step.
The ironic thing is, I have left her before. For a few hours anyway. She's even stayed away over night - not that I liked it in the slightest. So why is this so hard?
I think it's because now, I won't have the option to just leave and go home. I can't call every five minutes to see how she's doing.
The only thing that relaxes me most, is she will be at home with her Daddy. He's someone she loves and trusts, so I know she will be fine. But deep inside, a small part of me is jealous. Okay, a huge part. And that's massively unfair, because Ross has had to do this for the first 2 years of her life.
I'm not really going to be missing any of her firsts, she's done most of them already. Ross has set out a plan of potty training which he's going to be attempting once I'm at work, but that's the only thing. I'll still get to be a part of it when I'm at home.
I'm not sure if majority of my issues is my anxiety. I'm so damn nervous that I'm going to mess up somehow and that I won't be good enough. I've never done this job before, how am I going to do it now? In my head I know I will learn, everyone goes through training when they start a new job.. but how long will it take me?
I realise I am being irrational. My intense desire to never leave Princess, and my nerves about being absolutely useless all seem to be clambering on top of me, threatening to push me over into hysteria. I know for a fact I won't sleep a wink Sunday night. I'll be playing every single negative scenario I can imagine in my head so if anything were to happen, I'd have answers and solutions.
I so wish I was an optimist. That I could be wholeheartedly excited about this new challenge I'm about to face. I know that change can be good, I just need help realising it.
Tomorrow will mark my last day as a stay at home Mum and my entry back into work. I'm going to spend it soaking up every ounce of my precious girl as I can and top it off by tucking her up in bed, having a glass of wine and relaxing as much as I can.
Fingers crossed for me?