Last month saw Princess see in her 2nd Birthday. She is now an official 'toddler'. She walks, she talks and she tantrums. Boy, does she tantrum.
The Terrible Two's aint got nothing on this girl.
So I devised a plan. I came up with the Top Ten Tips for surviving with a toddler. Some you may agree with, some may save your life. Stick to these rules and I promise you, your life will be much, much easier. Stick it to your fridge, pop it in your bag, just make sure you know your shit.
1. Always make sure you have a snack and juice available. These need to be to hand at. all. times. If you're at home, in the car, on the bus, you need to have your toddlers favourite snack available. It is guaranteed to give you at least a 5 minute respite from any tantrum. Whether it be an apple or chocolate buttons, they soon forget about spitting at you when they have they're gob full. Same goes with juice. All that screaming makes for a thirsty toddler. Shove beaker in mouth mid-scream = problem solved.
2. Expect the unexpected. If your toddler is behaved whilst you're driving in the car to do your weekly shop, don't be fooled. This just means you're in for it later. Probably whilst doing the shopping. Or paying for it. Or on the ride home. Either way, good behaviour is always topped with bad behaviour. And when they're leaning in with their lips all sloppy and puckered for a kiss? Be prepared for a donkey punch to the face instead. That's how they lure you in.
3. Memorise yourself with all cartoons. For example: If Princess is having a particularly bad day and it's only 1pm, I know I have at least 25 minutes until peace because Curious George starts at 1.25pm.. it makes it more bearable to know there's light at the end of the tunnel. Not that I condone using the TV as a child minder.. except I do. It also means you can mentally prepare yourself to drown out the happy 'lets be best friends' songs that undoubtedly come with your toddlers favourite cartoon. Why are they always so fucking happy...?
4. Grow eyes in the back of your head. No. Seriously. Either that or attach two wing mirrors to the side of your face so you know what's going on all. the. time. Vigilance is key. Never leave a toddler unattended, that is when shit goes down. Remember that Sudocreme you hid in a cupboard months ago buried underneath heaps of crap? Well your toddler has just found it and smeared it all over your sofa. Those felt tips you were sure you had hidden? They're now being used for toddler-style graffiti. Never take your eyes off of them. Ever.
5. Always carry baby wipes. I cannot emphasise this enough. Wipes will save your furniture, save your clothes and save your life. You can never have too many. Baby wipes should be kept on your person at all times. Wipes capture bogies so you don't have to. They wipe away chocolate covered hands so your clothes can be worn more than once - if you're lucky. And wipes are the only things that can help us during those moments that strike fear in the heart of every Mum.. nappy explosions. BABY WIPES!
6. This one is a given for any toddler - the Park. The Park is a place your toddler can go and use up every ounce of their energy whilst you watch from a distance. They can run, skip and shout without destroying anything. Sometimes they may need a helping hand, but at least it's a slide they're climbing up and not your TV unit where the TV wobbles precariously, threatening to fall off and smash to smithereens. It also means that by the time they get home, they're suitably knackered, giving you time to put your feet up and relax. No more running around for you..
7. Wine. Wine is always the answer. Make sure your fridges and cupboards are stocked with your alcoholic beverage of choice and you just might make it through the day.
8. Do not laugh. It irritates your child. And definitely do not laugh when they fall over. Other people frown upon that.
9. But DO have a sense of humour. Because if you don't laugh, you will cry. And if your toddler is anything like mine, if you cry, she hits you to make you shut up. She's beefy, so it hurts.
10. Did I mention wine?
So, there you have it. My Top Ten tops for surviving a toddler. I promise you, they most definitely all apply and all of them will help save your sanity at one point or another.
Put them to good use. Commit them to memory. They are here to help you!
Can you add any more?