Thursday, 11 October 2012

Public Transport Offenders

At some point or another in our lives, we have all had to use public transport. Neither me or Ross drive so to get about we often have to use buses - which we both hate!

Now upon using public transport - this could be a bus, train or a tram, you name it, these people will most definitely have made themselves known.
They're the people we hate. The people who should be made to take a test before they are allowed to catch any form of public transport. Here they are.. the public transport offenders..

Personal space passenger. This is the guy who no matter how far you scooch your legs over, will always manage to touch them. His/her hip will be crushing yours, your legs touching all the way to the knee. These are the people who also stand too close at the bus stop, so close you can almost feel them breathing down your neck. I'm only a very small person so there really is no need to squash up next to me. Unless you're very fat.

Unfortunately, personal space passenger, is also usually smelly passenger.

You know the type. That one person on the bus who always fucking stinks, and it doesn't matter how far away you sit, you can always smell them. It's usually B.O. One of these happened to sit in front of me on the bus the other day and I had to breathe through my mouth for fear of vomiting all over his bald patch if I happened to get too big a whiff.

Then there's the idiots who listen to their music far too loud over their headphones. The loud music passenger. I'm not being funny, but if you're going to play your music that loud that I can hear it all the way at the back of the bus, then you may aswell not have any fucking head phones in. I'm also surprised your ears haven't blown off, because, well, they deserve to.

Disclosure: I am of course allowed to do this because I listen to awesome music.

Main culprits for loud headphone music, is the shouty youths. If they're not listening to their music, they're on their phone, and if they're not on their phone, they're usually accompanied by another annoying little shit who feels the need to shout their business to the bus. I seriously do not need to know how many pregnancy tests you have had, or how many girls you have banged. Likelihood is, it's all bullshit. I also do not appreciate you swearing, especially when my Princess is in earshot. Only I can do that.

Next up is the drunk passenger. These can sometimes be the shouty youths, but the ones I'm referring to are the drunk older people. You know *whispers* alcoholics (drunk at 10am..) I was once on a bus in the buggy bay with Princess. She was about 10 months old, blissfully unaware of these smelly cretins beside her. Because Princess is so amazingly adorable, they of course had to start talking to her. And then one of them touched her. WHAT THE FUCK? His hands were filthy and his fingernails were black. He was slurring his words and could barely make eye contact. For one, I do not know you, and two, you're drunk. Get your fucking dirty hands off of my child. Note to strangers - do NOT touch other peoples children.

The drunk passenger is nearly just as bad as the poorly passenger. These are the people who will sit smack bang in the middle of the bus, and cough all over the poor fucker sat in front of them. Sometimes it's a sideways sneeze on the person they're sat next to. Either way, if you're ill, get the fuck off the bus. I do not wish to catch your disease. At the very least use a tissue and cover your mouth when you cough.

Which brings me to the ignorant passenger. These aren't always easily spotted, and sometimes look like genuinely nice people. But they're not. They're the people who sit in the seats on the bus specifically designed for pushchairs and wheelchairs. Ross was once made to stand in the aisle of a bus because these people refused to move. They all avoided eye-contact with him and turned away. They sat like this until another passenger piped up with "Don't you think you should move out of the PUSHCHAIR bay for this gentlemen with a PUSHCHAIR." He was my hero.
But before I leave these passengers, let's not forget the ignorant Mums. Yes, they exist. You know the ones, they leave their pushchair in the bay without a child in and fuck off somewhere else on the bus leaving you to sort it out. I may have kicked someone elses buggy when it was in my way. There was no child on it though..

Another public transport offender, is the passenger who doesn't know where they're going. These come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes, they're the people who stop the bus, just to ask if they go to a certain place. READ THE SIGN.
Other times they get on the bus, ask if they're on the right one, pay for their ticket and then ask for directions. I understand it can be daunting getting on a bus to a strange area you don't know, but do your homework before you decide to hold up the entire bus.

Last but not least, and by far the worst public transport offender.. the over-friendly passenger. I cannot put into words how much I hate these people. It's one thing to make a polite comment about Princess, perhaps ask me a few questions. It is a completely different story for you to divulge me in every single detail of your life, and then to ask my opinion. They usually then continue to ask intimate details of your life, details you most definitely would not disclose to a stranger. I have been asked more than once how long my labour was. Was it natural? Can they see my scar.
I have two words for you. Fuck off.

Can you think of any more public transport offenders?



1 comment:

Ella Ralph said...

Haha! i think you've pretty much covered them :-) it's funny how all these passengers seem confined to buses though, my son and I get the train pretty much everywhere (I'm a non driver too) and very rarely do we encounter any of these people! I did encounter the 'crazy chatterbox' (mentally unstable version of the over-friendly passenger!) once but i just felt kinda sorry for him. great blog! x