a female parent.
Yes, I am in fact a female parent. I am the person who carried my child for 9 months and subsequently gave birth to her. Surely, a Mother demands a bit more of a description?
Last night I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I began to feel that I have achieved nothing in life, other than to bring another life into the world. In my mind I know that this is probably the greatest thing I will ever achieve, but I was still left feeling inadequate.
I feel unimportant. I feel useless. I feel that the only thing I am good for is to raise a child.
Surely this is something amazing? Something that I should be ridiculously proud of?
The answer is: I am.
But is being a Mother everything that defines me? Being a Mum includes being a whole bunch of different things. I'm a cleaner, a cook, a friend and a foe. I'm a play mate,a referee and a nurse. Is that what defines me?
Right now, it is. I am nothing but a Mum.
Don't get me wrong, I love her with all my heart. I wouldn't change her for the world. I am immensely proud of my little girl; the girl who is not even 2 yet but can tell me colours and shapes, something she shouldn't be able to do until she's 3. The girl who says 'bless you' when you sneeze and 'sankoo' for 'thank you'. Who tells people to move if they're in her way but will then laugh at herself. She's the girl I would do anything to make her happy.
So why do I feel so lost?
I think the main part of it is, I've lost sight of who I am. I don't know who I am now, apart from a Mum. I don't remember the last time I had 'me' time. Although even if I had it, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. That's probably half of the problem. Most people I know, if given the night off from their child would probably get dolled up and go out. Whether that's with the girls or with their partners. Sadly for me, money is an issue and we can't afford to just go splashing cash on meals and nights out. Every penny literally counts.
So is that why I'm feeling so down? Money?
It's also part of the problem. Without money, what can I actually do? I can't go out. I can't buy myself a treat. I can't even go to college because I already have level 3 qualifications. After having a look at the night courses available which are often free, there are none that interest me apart from 'Creative Writing'. But that's not really going to get me anywhere is it? I'd probably enjoy it, but after 10 weeks when the course ends, then what do I do?
I'm being horribly pessimistic.
I just can't help it right now. I can't see a way out of the rut.
I feel like I need a break. But the thought of being away from Princess upsets me.
So I really don't see where I can fix this or make it better.
Maybe I should just suck it up?
For now, that's what I'm going to do. Suck it up. Deal with it. Carry on like I have been doing for the past few months.
And hope, that eventually, I'll find myself again.
Maybe she's lost between all the dirty nappies and ironing piles.
If I find her, I'll let you know.