Monday, 27 August 2012

Inadequate

moth·er

1 [muhth-er]
noun
1.
a female parent.

Yes, I am in fact a female parent. I am the person who carried my child for 9 months and subsequently gave birth to her. Surely, a Mother demands a bit more of a description?

Last night I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I began to feel that I have achieved nothing in life, other than to bring another life into the world. In my mind I know that this is probably the greatest thing I will ever achieve, but I was still left feeling inadequate.

I feel unimportant. I feel useless. I feel that the only thing I am good for is to raise a child.

Surely this is something amazing? Something that I should be ridiculously proud of?

The answer is: I am. 

But is being a Mother everything that defines me? Being a Mum includes being a whole bunch of different things. I'm a cleaner, a cook, a friend and a foe. I'm a play mate,a referee and a nurse. Is that what defines me?

Right now, it is. I am nothing but a Mum.

I am woken in the morning by Princess. Unless we have a prior appointment, I wait for her to wake me. During my day I will feed, play, occupy, kiss, cuddle and teach my child. That is all I will do. Inbetween there might be a few trips out, a bit of adult conversation and some shopping. However, somehow all of these things still seem to revolve around Princess. I can't be too long in a shop in case she gets bored and begins to scream. If I bump into someone I know, they'll mostly ask questions about Princess. 

Don't get me wrong, I love her with all my heart. I wouldn't change her for the world. I am immensely proud of my little girl; the girl who is not even 2 yet but can tell me colours and shapes, something she shouldn't be able to do until she's 3. The girl who says 'bless you' when you sneeze and 'sankoo' for 'thank you'. Who tells people to move if they're in her way but will then laugh at herself. She's the girl I would do anything to make her happy.


So why do I feel so lost?


I think the main part of it is, I've lost sight of who I am. I don't know who I am now, apart from a Mum. I don't remember the last time I had 'me' time. Although even if I had it, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. That's probably half of the problem. Most people I know, if given the night off from their child would probably get dolled up and go out. Whether that's with the girls or with their partners. Sadly for me, money is an issue and we can't afford to just go splashing cash on meals and nights out. Every penny literally counts.



So is that why I'm feeling so down? Money?


It's also part of the problem. Without money, what can I actually do? I can't go out. I can't buy myself a treat. I can't even go to college because I already have level 3 qualifications. After having a look at the night courses available which are often free, there are none that interest me apart from 'Creative Writing'. But that's not really going to get me anywhere is it? I'd probably enjoy it, but after 10 weeks when the course ends, then what do I do?


I'm being horribly pessimistic.


I just can't help it right now. I can't see a way out of the rut. 


I feel like I need a break. But the thought of being away from Princess upsets me.


So I really don't see where I can fix this or make it better.


Maybe I should just suck it up?


For now, that's what I'm going to do. Suck it up. Deal with it. Carry on like I have been doing for the past few months. 


And hope, that eventually, I'll find myself again.


Maybe she's lost between all the dirty nappies and ironing piles.


If I find her, I'll let you know.



9 comments:

mummyneversleeps.com said...

Couldn't agree more with this, excellent post :) I used to love music, but since being a mum I couldn't tell you for a bajillion quid what music I like now... Being a mum helps you find an amazing purpose in life, yet losing your old identity is definitely the sacrifice for that... I really hope you find her one day or at least discover things that you enjoy now... good luck! I look forward to reading more :)

Misty Bird said...

Thanks so much for your comment!

It's exactly like you describe, sacrificing your identity to help create a new one. It's the most rewarding job in the world but I would definitely like to find another sense of purpose. There's only so many conversations I can have with a 23 month old haha x

mummyneversleeps.com said...

no worries missus! yup, mine with my three year old mainly consist of "mummy, why don't you have a willy?" "mummy, why are birds allowed outside when it's raining?" "mummy, i did a pop!" I USED TO BE COOL! WHAT IS HAPPENING! great to have found you! x

SarahMummy said...

Poor you! I totally understand how you feel. I felt like this for a long time, although I at least has work to go to. And I kept on popping out babies, so I stayed in this rut for a long time. Only when my youngest started school two years ago did I find a little bit of the old me left. I started running seriously again, I took up a dance class and of course I started blogging. Those have all really helped. I hope you find yourself soon!

Misty B said...

It definitely is a rut, like you said. Only problem being is it's very difficult to get out of.
I feel much better after only a few months now that Princess has more independence, but I still very much feel like I'm only good for one thing. My job hunt has begun though so here's hoping I can start to feel like a grown up woman again rather than just 'Mum'

Thanks for commenting x

Suzanne said...

This brought back memories of when I had 3 kiddies under 5....all I ever did was fend for them, nothing for myself. It wasn't really until my last one started going to nursery and I got a job, that I felt a little like the 'old' me. I'm not sure it every truly comes back, parenting changes you and in my opinion, for the better. Chin up Misty, hope things have improved since you posted this? x

Teamlloyd said...

Being a mummy is a whole world of hard, emotional, rewarding, time consuming, never ending job and it certainly is never said to you before you become one (why as mothers are we not more honest about it?) and it is one of the hardest things I have ever ever done. There were days when B was very little that to even put her down for a split second resulted in a tantrum of the largest kind, and the thought of being able to go for a wee by yourself? A luxury! But saying all that I wouldn't change a thing for the world.

I really hope things got better after you posted this, but please remember that through those tough days you have a beautiful family, and you are an amazing mummy (female parent!?!) XXX

Misty B said...

It's very all consuming isn't it? I completely lost sight of who I was or what I was doing, that I stopped enjoying being a parent.
Things have definitely improved, now Princess is more independent I find I have more time for myself. Also now I have sorted her sleep routine too, I get the evenings to relax :). I'm looking for a job now too so hopefully adult conversation can perk me back up to my usual self x

Misty B said...

I really don't know why us Mums aren't more honest with each other. If we were, we probably wouldn't struggle half as much as we do.
No one warns you about losing your own identity, so when it happens it's hard to deal with and harder to get back. I think I'm in the right track though. The days definitely aren't as hard and I enjoy them more now (minus the terrible two tantrums!)

Thanks for commenting :) x