Two years ago exactly, I lost one of the most precious and beautiful people in my life. My Grandma. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2009 and was given 6 months to live. After months of treatment, various trips and stays in the hospital, it finally took her life on the 2nd March 2010.
Even though it's only been 2 years, it feels like a lifetime ago I was sat at that hospital bed next to her, absolutely crying my eyes out because we all knew it was time. We were all lucky enough to be surrounded by family, but nothing could take away the pain we felt at that moment.
For the whole day, when we'd realised that today was the day it would happen, we sat around her bedside and told stories. Memories of times we'd spent with her, all of her old good, bad and unusual habits. Her sisters and brothers told stories of when she was a kid, a mischievous one at that, and we all managed, for a moment, to find an ounce of peace in the situation.
From a very young age, I spent every weekend with my Grandma and Grandad. We would walk for miles to go to Highfields Park to feed the ducks, or we'd take the train down to Burton-on-Trent where my Grandma would buy me some clothes and a fairy trinket for my collection. One time, she even sprinkled pink glitter into a trinket box she'd bought me and convinced me the fairies had left it for me.
Every weekend we did something fun. I couldn't have asked for a more enjoyable way to spend my childhood. This is why, 2 years on, it still hits me just as hard as it did when I watched her life slowly slip away.
At the time, I was 10 weeks pregnant. To say I was emotional and overrun with hormones is an understatement, but with every ounce of grief I felt, every tear that fell from my eye, I knew I would be okay. I had the man I loved holding me and telling me it would be okay, and the most important person that would ever exist to me, was slowly growing inside my tummy. Before she died, my Gma knew I was pregnant. She knew before even I did. OH & I had just moved into our first home at the beginning of February and she managed to visit. Whilst she sat in our massive blow up chair, she turned to me and said: "Have you got something to tell me Moodyblue?" whilst nodding at my stomach. (Moodyblue being a nickname I have always had, usually shortened to Moo). I remember looking back at her confused and telling her "uhhhh, no!". Needless to say, the next week, a pregnancy test revealed I was actually very pregnant. I will always be grateful that she were able to find out about the pregnancy, but I will always be saddened that she has never got to meet Princess.
Sometimes I think she's here with me. I don't feel a presence as such, but sometimes I just feel warm and complete again. For a short amount of time, my heart feels whole, and I feel peaceful. On more than one occassion, I have found Princess having some sort of conversation with thin air. I'll catch her point at something that isn't there and turn to me and smile. She then walks over to whatever it is she can see that I can't, and start playing. Call me crazy, but I know it's my Gma. I know she would have never missed seeing Princess if she could have helped it. I will make sure that my Princess grows up knowing all about her G-Gma. About just how special she was, to me and to so many others.
Last week would have been her 64th Birthday. We wrote messages on paper and attached them to balloons which we then set off into the sky. I would say it's tradition, but we've only done it twice, although I know we will do it every year.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of my Gma. I often find myself thinking about her in the most strange situations and wondering what she would have said. I whisper little messages to her and imagine I can hear her reply. I still have her number saved in my phone, I can't bring myself to delete it. I have a screenshot of a facebook message she sent me telling me she loved me. I have so many pictures that I can look at whenever I want and feel honored that she was a part of my life.
Grief doesn't get easier, you just learn how to deal with it better. Instead of crying from the very moment you wake up to the moment you fall to sleep, you manage to fill your time with other things like work or friends. In my case, I was blessed to have Princess. She takes up all of my time, and if I hadn't have had her to focus on, then I dont think I would have handled things so well. I would probably be a very different person than who I am today.
My Gma helped to shape my childhood. She played a massive role in making me who I am and I like to think I would have made her proud. Even though I'm crying right now, my tears are happiness because I am lucky enough to have some amazing memories.
So here's to my Gma. Rest in Peace beautiful. I hope you're not getting into too much trouble.