This post is rather random. I don't expect anyone to be interested or comment but I just want to ramble a little bit because I'm so unsure as to what to do.
Basically, I described on my first real post that my boyfriend has a new job. As fantastic as this opportunity is, he has decided that it's not for him and we are continuing the job search. However, whilst hunting for these jobs (and also jobs for my Mum) I have come across quite a few that would be perfect for me. My ideal job would be as an administrator/receptionist. Now as unglamourous as this may sound, since I was a young girl I have always wanted a job that required me to dress smart, work at a computer, file papers and answer the phone. It's hardly your high-flying career or a goal setting job, but it's something I've always wanted and feel I would be good at. The problem is, I only have experience in retail.
I was an evening supervisor in my previous job, and I like to think a decent one. I may not have the relevant 'on paper' skills that say I was a shop manager, but I have actually done that job. My old manager reads this blog, and as far as I am aware she would say that when she wasn't there, I managed the shop fairly well. So in reality, I have the experience to also apply for a management position (although lack the confidence to do so).
I really am rambling now and I'm not even sure where this is going. But my biggest fear is of going back to work and not seeing my Princess all day every day. I might sound ridiculous to some people, but I more than love my role as a stay at home Mum to my daughter and I can't imagine my day not including her 100%. Whether this means Dad stays at home full time to care for her or she enters childcare for a while, either way, I don't think I could handle it.
When faced with this predicament what do you do? Do you go for the option that could possibly allow you a better income, or do you go with your desire? I am privileged enough to not have to work but sometimes I feel that I am not doing enough or providing enough for my family. I feel guilty that my OH has to go out to work every day to provide for all of us whilst I sit at home and take comfort in the fact somebody else doesn't have to look after our daughter. Is it fair? Should I look for a job in order to contribute a wage to our family, or am I doing enough by being at home all day raising our Princess? Don't get me wrong, we get by each month, but sometimes it's a real struggle.
During a regular day I will do all of the cleaning, the washing, food shopping and other shopping if needed. All of this whilst looking after Princess, feeding her, keeping her entertained, putting her down for naps (well trying!) and keeping sane all at the same time. Some days are ridiculously easy whilst others are unbelievably hard and trying. Now I don't want to sound full of myself, but I do feel I am the best person qualified for this job. Mainly because I have been doing it since day one and am now a master, but also because the thought of being away from her to go to work very much nearly reduces me to tears. Surely the simple fact that I cannot bear the thought of being without her for 8+ hours makes me more than suitable to be her main carer.
But I'm not sure if I'm just being selfish. I know how difficult it is for OH to get up every morning and kiss Princess goodbye before he leaves for the next 9 hours, and I do nothing about it. I know he would give anything to stay at home with her all day like I do, but I just can't find it in me to give any of that up. I know I'm being old fashioned, unrealistic and completely selfish, yet I can't help myself.
I fully expect to go back to work eventually. As soon as Princess turns 2.5yrs I am looking for a part time job to fit in around her nursery hours. Is it unreasonable to want to wait until then to do so? I'm not sure.
I know plenty of Mums who are permanent stay at home Mums who never intend on going back to work until they're children are in full time education, or even finished their entire education, but I don't think that's for me.
I'm not sure whether to go back to work now, whilst there are jobs out there for me, or wait until I'm ready. How do you know when it's the right time?
Just to convince myself even more that I'm not ready, here is a picture of Princess and I enjoying our time at home..